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SCOTTY: Are you my friend?
KELLY: Ordinarily, but I'm eating.

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SCOTTY: I wouldn't lie to a best buddy...if there was one in the room.

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SCOTTY: Into each life, some goofs must fall.
KELLY: But so many in one day?

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SCOTTY: I enjoy being made a fool of when I'm pleading for my country. It gives me a warm glow all over.

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SCOTTY: You know what I always say... lose a skirmish, call the maid.

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SCOTTY: Has anyone told you how good you look in that?
KELLY: Why, no...
SCOTTY: Well, if they do, smack 'em in the face real fast, because they're not your friend.

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SCOTTY: How are we going to explain this?
KELLY: We'll use the word inundated...
SCOTTY: We were inundated by 12 black belt karate men and 13 apes.
KELLY: They'll never believe it, man.
SCOTTY: Why?
KELLY: Because apes don't travel in packs of 13.

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KELLY (ON THE PHONE): Hello? Listen, I'll give you a jingle right back, how about that? Yeah, I know this is the American Consulate. You know who this is? This is the guy who's gonna call you right back.

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SCOTTY: If you don't get beat up every once in a while, you get soft.

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KELLY: Scotty, you got anything to say?
SCOTTY: Nope.
KELLY: Then it's a definite 1-2-3-pray, 'cause I'm stumped.

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KELLY: Gentlemen, I don't believe you've met my failure.
SCOTTY: I came to rescue him...and I embarrassed him again.

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KELLY: My friend has a trick brain. Sometimes when he tries to use it, it falls out on the floor.

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SCOTTY: If you're going to fly through the jungle like Superman, someone has to be there to carry your phone booth.

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KELLY: If the President calls, tell him you don't speak English... and we defected.

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KELLY: Very well done, Mr. Cat Burglar.
SCOTTY: Same to you, Mr. Sneak Thief.

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KELLY: I'll have a shower and a shave, and once again I will be your alert, clean-cut, clear-eyed, government-issue Captain Marvel.

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SCOTTY: What do you want me to do, Captain Midnight?
KELLY: Try the right one, Herman.

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KELLY: ...and then Goldilocks said to the big, bad wolf, "I saw what you did to those pigs, man!"

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SCOTTY: Say one thing about my apron and so help me, I'll get my pink rubber gloves and smack you upside the head.

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KELLY: Okay, Boy Wonder, you wanna get the collapsible batpole out of the glove compartment?

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KELLY: Cross your heart and hope to die, right here at your own two feet.

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KELLY: We got pushed in the pool by Tweedledum, Tweedledee, and...another guy.
GIRL AGENT: For fun?
KELLY: No. For drowning.

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KELLY: It's always darkest just before it goes pitch black.

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KELLY: Well, I'll be a dirty name...

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CONFUSED THUG: What did he say?
SCOTTY: It's infidel talk.

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